Be Curious, Not Judgmental

Ted Lasso, a lovable T.V. character, spoke these words. It was a show stopping moment in the season 1 finale of the hit show. He silenced the crowd with their poignancy. 

Be curious, not judgmental. 

I thought, “That is a great bit of advice to remember when meeting new people or dealing with coworkers.” But then I wondered. How would this advice look with parents and kids? Here are some of my thoughts…

I can remember fighting with my 4 year old daughter about putting a bow in her hair. She had worked herself into a full-blown tantrum. She held her hands over her head. I could not even think about putting that bow in her hair. That bow was going to look SO cute, it matched her outfit for goodness sake! Then it became a battle of her not following directions. I got frustrated with her for something as silly as a bow in her hair. I judged that she was being defiant, labeling her as stubborn and strong willed. But what if I had stopped and became curious instead? Did the bow hurt her head? Did someone at preschool make fun of her for wearing bows? Is it possible she wanted to wear a headband instead? Maybe she just didn’t like bows. I will never know, because I never asked. I made assumptions about her behavior rather than getting curious. It escalated, leading me to quick judgments and negatively labeling her. 

My son started resisting getting on the bus in the mornings when he was in first grade. We would be at the bus stop waiting there with several other moms and their kids. This was the normal routine. What felt like out of nowhere, my son started saying he didn’t want to go to school. “Oh but you love school, your friends are there etc.” was my initial response. I thought, if I give in to this behavior today it may start a bad habit. I decided, (for the both of us) that he was having an off moment. He got on the bus and went to school. All seemed well. But, the next day he started saying the same things. As the bus pulled up, he turned into me and buried his face in my embrace. He said, “I don’t want to go to school.” At this moment I decided to be curious. Yes, I had things to do and places to be, to start the day. But I stopped and said, “Ok, let's go back inside.'' At home, with a parent that didn’t call him stubborn or needy, he explained. Turns out, a neighbor thought it was fun to punch my son on the bus while going to school for several mornings in a row. I wish I had been curious from the start about his behavior rather than dismissive. Thankfully, I was curious instead of dismissive or even mad at his behavior, shutting him down. Instead we were able to work together to solve this issue. My heart hurts thinking of where this could have led. 

What about our middle schoolers! These are weird little creatures. They need someone to see them for who they will become some day, not for what they are in 7th grade. Prioritize your curiosity over judgment. It may get you strange looks and even stranger answers. But, you may get glimpses of the person they are trying to become and how they are trying to connect to you. Behavior is communication, not manipulation. This age group is perpetually self conscious. They spend countless moments judging themselves, feeling judged by their peers. Be a parent that doesn’t add to that judgment, that isn’t quick to label and allows them the space to safely open up.  

How would our relationship change with our high schoolers? They often seem moody or withdrawn. But, what if we were curious, not judgmental? What might they tell us if we asked about their feelings, decisions, or even the things they do that drive us crazy? Through curiosity we may be able to find solutions and common ground. We can do it if we ask a teenager questions with curiosity, not judgment. Curiosity asks why behind a behavior. Judgment only responds to what happened. It often leads to the parent making snap assumptions. Snap assumptions have a nasty way of becoming labels that stick. Being curious helps us to see past our child’s behavior for a deeper reason or communication. This then allows us to have their trust and the ability to help guide them as they navigate their world. 

Would being a curious parent, not a judgmental one, lead us to the reason for an issue with our child? Could it lead to a greater understanding of this human we are trying to prepare for life? Would it offer them a safe respite from a world that often feels like it is judging 24/7? And maybe, just maybe, might it lead us directly to the heart of our children. 

To be seen, heard and known isn’t that what we all want?